Wednesday, May 25, 2011

To purrr is human



          However unusual it may sound, but what has been annoying the sense of smelling for ages is a bad FART. Technically speaking, Farting is a biological phenomenon but when biology meets sociology, it brings embarrassment to the giver and the receiver.


          Every phenomenon has a cause and an effect. The causes are the eating habits and of course the nature’s call. To attend or not to attend lies with the justification of the individual. Whatever be the causes, the effects are devastating:

• When a child does it, it sounds cute.

• When an old person does it, it seems obvious.

• When a man does it, it brings embarrassment.

• When a woman does it, it becomes a BREAKING NEWS!

          Imagine the irony of the situation I had to face a few days back. I entered into a gift shop to buy a perfume and as I opened my lips to ask for the brand of the perfume, my nostrils shrunk. It took me no time to understand that already someone has done damage to the environment. The foul air was all around me! No wonder the shopkeeper was expressionless! The fact was more embarrassing that we both knew what has happened there and what made me to leave the shop in a flash.

          The encounter with “that” WMD (weapon of mass destruction) made me think deeper into that very serious crime. As any intellectual would have done, I came up with some queries, observations and suggestions.

Query:

          Why is science so quite about this phenomenon? Someone should invent a Scale to measure the gas of its ability to spoil the environment. For Ex. 2m/cubic mm (2 men killed by 1 cubic millimetre of a Fart).

Observation:

• A friend of mine shared this with me. “Success is like Farting, you can bear it only if it is yours!”

• Passive smelling of a Fart is more dangerous than Active Smelling.

• The person who does it is always the first one to escape from the scene and blame others for doing it.

Suggestion:

• Government Intervention- It should be in the political agenda of the ruling party to pass a bill for creating a “No Farting Zone”. For Ex. in Hospitals, Perfume Shops, etc.

• Breathing in and breathing out is a good practice but from the same gateway!



          At last I put my humble condolence to all those people who have been a victim of being passive smellers. I also forgive all those people who have in all their capacities contributed their share of hot gases towards increasing the Global Warming. In any case to purrr is human!





Thursday, April 28, 2011

Sir, kuch chai-paani?

          The story goes like this. A customer in my bank approached me for some help. As any employee would have done I helped him with sorting out his dilemma regarding some financial transaction he wanted to make and helped him filing up the forms. Finally I did the electronic fund transfer for him. The story should have ended there but to my amazement he said, “Sir, kuch chai-pani?”


          I didn’t know how to react. In one second he put all my dedication and genuineness to question. Is that all? Is that the only thing we work for? Ironical as it may sound, this is the same system where there is an old man Anna Hazare fasting unto death against corruption and here an old man trying to teach corruption to a fairly innocent heart.

          The incident made me smile, smile at our hypocrisy. We look for faults in the system whereas the truth is that there is a little corruption in all of us. We have become so habitual of it that many a times we don’t even realise that we are playing a very big role in the complete picture. Pity on us!

          It makes me remember one more incident where I was on the other side of the window. I had lost my driving license and as a formality I had to present a copy of the FIR in order to get a duplicate license. When I reached the Police Station, my condition was similar to the old man who approached me in the bank. I was confused and short of any clue. Only this time a hawaldar came to my rescue and helped me in getting the whole job done. All the time when he was helping me out I kept thinking that he was too humble to be a policeman. My misunderstanding lasted a little while when he spoke that line, "Sir, kuch chai-pani?"

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Me, my wife and ACP Pradyuman!

          Imagine this! I came back home tired from my work. I had so many things currently running in my head. Only God knows how I managed to escape from my arrogant boss, how I avoided altercation with my useless colleagues (although it’s a Universal fact for every Office that the term good boss is a myth and every colleague of yours is useless). I gave silly excuses to an insurance agent for not giving him my hard earned money in return for some more money which will never be of any use to me. I scolded few salesmen who were convincing me to buy some rubbish; I acted deaf at the arrival of some beggars in the traffic signal.

          Finally I reached home exhausted and half mad in search of some peace. The last thing I wanted was an eagerly waiting wife all set to ask all the questions that she could accumulate in her head on a single day. This person called “wife” and sometimes referred to as the better half is quite a character in our households. She is always ready with some very typical questions that you never want to answer. The first one always is about how was your day? She is very immaculate about her strategy of reaching that final question around which the game plan is weaved. One thing that you can’t ignore is her habit of first throwing questions and then answering them herself. You can always guess that now she will say that honey you seem very tired, it must be a tough day! Thank God that you don’t have to answer that. Now as per the game plan she will beat around the bush for some time and as you could see it coming, here comes the final question. It could be anything from how I am looking today? ; do I look fat? ; Or it could be some more serious stuff depending on your luck. She will not only target your mental ability but your financial ability as well. The game has now reached a very dangerous stage. Anytime she could ask for a new diamond set, a vacation or a new car. You dare say no at any stage as your opponent is fully loaded with 1000 decibel of screams and tonnes of tears. She has planned it the whole day; she will never accept defeat; the moment you said no will be the last moment of your existence in the vicinity.

          What do I do now? In a last helpless effort to save my manhood and put an end to the conversation (though it cannot be defined as a conversation as only she did all the talking), I picked up the remote and turned on the idiot box. As I was scanning through the channels I could hear some murmuring behind me. Of course I only wished to possess a remote that could mute her (my wife of course) but I believe science is not a definite male otherwise it would have been invented. I was left with only one choice i.e. to increase the volume.

          I felt a little relieved now. But I had to take a decision. What to watch? I surfed through 100 News channels and most interestingly every one of them was flashing one or the other Breaking News. I wonder what is so Breaking about Yuvraj Singh meeting his mom before a match? Anyways I preferred not to break my TV set and moved on. Somewhere in a jungle I found ACP Pradyuman with his moron CID team investigating a case and then ACP said the only lines that he is allowed to speak by waving his hand round and round and scratching his head, “aakhir ye khoon kia kisne?” Somebody tell him, people are watching CID expecting him to solve the case and not to ask obvious questions. I decided to hang on. Watching CID has always given me a sadist feeling. Though I hate the serial but it gives me immense pleasure watching the sick investigation and ridiculous dialogues. It’s an irony as I watch it as a comedy show. There are many things in CID that have never changed. For instance ACP receives a call for every murder and the only word he says is “kyaaaaaa?” Each one of them carries a pair of funny looking gloves and as soon as they see a dead body the first thing everyone does is to wear them in unison as if they are going to operate it. ACP Pradyuman never got promoted and I will tell you why? These are some of his conclusions of very serious cases-

“ek baar ye ladki coma se baahar aa jaye to pata lag jaye ki is par hamla kisne kia tha”
“hmm..gadi k tyre pe gobar laga hai…..jaroor ye kisi guy ka hoga!”
“ye khooni bahut hi chalaak lagta hai”

          Whatever you say but ACP Pradyuman is adorable. For a moment I completely forgot the case of my life! ACP is a real stress buster. The episode ended with ACP successfully solving the case. Though he never tried to solve it except repeating the same line a thousand times again, “aakhir ye khoon kia kisne”? I wonder the murderer would have himself become sick of listening it and said, “maine kia hai, maine..!”

          Thus finally I found some peace. By the time my wife had slept, her deep heavy breaths reminded me that it’s not over yet. She will come back much better prepared tomorrow. But against all odds I had a sigh of relief as I knew that ACP will somehow come to my rescue and yet again help me to solve one more case of a one more day of my life. God bless ACP Pradyuman!

Sunday, March 27, 2011

jab uske shehar me raha karte the

jab uske shehar me raha karte the,

hum bhi chup chap jia karte the..

aankhon me pyass hua karti thi,

dil me tufaan utha karte the..

log aate the gazal sunnane ko,

hum uski baatein kia karte the..

kisi virane me unse milkar,

dil me kya fool khila karte the..

ghar ki deeware sajane ki khatir,

hum naam uska likha karte the..

aaj uski tasveeer dekhi to yaad aaya,

hum bhi kabhi mohabbbat kia karte the..

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Autobiography of an unemployed Indian

Life is miserable especially when you pour all the money your dad saved for getting a degree which every third Indian is carrying. Yes, you guessed it right. I am an MBA graduate. And like the fortune of my fellow Non-IIM MBA graduate countrymen who very fondly persuaded the course, I am also unemployed. Well the scenario was never the same. I mean, I also had good times during my odyssey of MBA. To say the least my good moments lasted till the promises of our politicians lasts. I don’t remember why I chose to do MBA, though I have become a sort of politician in giving answers to the question time and again.
However, it has been a learning experience. MBA taught me the following things-

1. Good academics, extra curricular activities don’t get you a job, karma of your relatives working in corporate does.
2. Scope of MBA is good till the date you don’t get the degree. After that there is a complete generation of people with the same caliber and the piece of paper competing along with you.
3. You always tend to compare things in financial terms, and most of the times the outcome is that you are in loss.
4. Initially you have to tell 10,000 people that you are doing MBA, and finally you have to explain why did you committed the blunder an equal number of times.
5. Cut Copy Paste is the smartest way of doing anything.

After MBA life hasn’t changed a bit, except some more friends in my Orkut profile and some less money in my dad’s bank account. The reason I am still unemployed has various answers. But the best way it could be explained was done by one of my friends. He pointed towards the fruits vendor and said, “MBA graduates are like the pile of bananas. You can not differentiate one from the other. You can find them everywhere. There is a limited demand. Your only hope to be picked is to be on the top of the pile, and that my friend is not in your hands.”
Well as Murphy’s law would have wished, recession struck at the right time. I still wonder, recession actually happened or it is the ghost of the Banyan tree who is talked by everyone but seen by none.
Result. I am unemployed. Not a penny of contribution to the national income! But I have been useful in a certain way. Suddenly my neighbors & relatives have found a burning topic to discuss in the midst of their socially bored life. Now, after you complete your MBA meaning of the questions thrown upon you change. For example-

1. Wats up? (You got a job or not..!!)
2. How are you? (Still unemployed..!!)
3. Why don’t you prepare for competitive exams? (I want you to be unemployed forever..!!)
4. My brother’s best friend’s cousin is in Infosys. (You loser..!!)
5. When is your dad’s retirement? (You shameless parasite..!!)
6. Hey, what happened in Balika Vadhu last night? (I know you have nothing else to do..!!)
7. I am going for a movie with my friends. (Sorry dude! I know you can’t afford ..!!)
8. When are your final results coming? (When will you become officially unemployed..!!)
9. I saw your friend in the market today. (He is also unemployed..!!)
10. You took loan for your MBA? (God! You are a national liability..!!)
11. Say my hello to your girlfriend. (Is she still with you..!!)
12. You know inflation has increased so much. (And you are still jobless..!!)13. My grandfather is always busy in the garden or with kids. (Even he has something to do..!!)
14. It’s all due to recession. (Only if you were not so dumb..!!)


My fellow unemployed friends, I have some tips for you to avoid the aftereffects’ of unemployment.
• Wake up late to avoid eye contact with your dad. Wait for him to leave.
• Avoid any conversation. It would surely be intended towards your unemployment.
• Spend most of the time sleeping.
• Headache is the best excuse to avoid conversation.
• Be nice to your mother. She is the only person who will come to your rescue every time.
• Avoid going to your friend’s place. He would be going through the same.
• Watch old Hindi movies. Against all odds, the hero wins at the last.

At last, draw inspiration from The Holy Bible. It says who has given the mouth will also feed! In any case everybody gets a job. It’s just a matter of time. Have patience.

Happy unemployment!